I don’t have confidence in my body, like at all. I think the only thing I like is that my skin is kind of pale. I like my hair and eyes, and lips. I mostly like my nose and ears, as much as a person normally would, I suppose. I don’t mind my freckles at all.
But ugh. I want to fit into smaller-sized clothing. I want to wear shorts and dresses and not worry about whether or not stretch marks are showing. I want to know that yes, my body has jiggle because every body has some jiggle, but that my body’s jiggle isn’t so unappealing that people will get grossed out. I don’t want to go to clubs to dance and feel like I don’t fit in because I’m not the right size. And most of all, I never want to worry that a boy won’t like me because I’m chubby.
I know all of that sounds really stupid, but it’s true. I can’t find beauty in my body. It hurts, yes, but I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t think I will ever accept this body. Only a body that is toned and fit.
I keep having dreams of this classmate of mine. Like… it started with a dream that I got married to him. Which was kind of odd. I mean, yeah, the guy is all sorts of cute, and yeah, he seems cool… but it was only like 2 weeks of school when I had the dream, and so I just brushed it off. I don’t even think I started noticing him more… but for some reason I had more dreams about him when I’d nap or sleep…
Now I’ve already had ~*~*that moment*~*~ where you realize you’ve become attracted to someone. And I’m so mad at myself for that because like. I don’t want to be attracted to anyone right now. I just don’t. It changes you in smaller ways, you know? Like, feeling self-conscious about this or that—for me, in Torts I was just ridiculously convinced that my lips were chapped and peeling (They weren’t. They were fine.) and that he would notice. UGH.
AND WHEN I TALK TO HIM I DO THE STUPID “-subtly touches because I’m attracted-” THING WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT AND THEN AFTER I’M LIKE “UGH WHY DID I DO THAT” UGH.
Me: Let’s try Survivor Mode Me: Oh, there’s no Listen Mode in this difficulty level…Okay, that will be kinda hard. But it’s okay because- TLOU: You can’t play Survivor+ until you’ve beaten Survivor Mode.